The Deep Dark

Hi.

I know, yet another apology for not being a good blogger. Can I even really call myself a blogger? Once upon a time maybe, but not now.

I've been down in the dumps. Feeling very much like a zombie. I've been on the verge of tears for about a month now but nothing comes out. Granted, it's not a constant state of depression, I can actually laugh and have a good time (especially when my niece and nephew are around) but it only seems to make the Deep Dark even more oppressing once the fun times are over.

I worry that this one will never go away. I've been sleeping a lot. My house is a mess, I'm starting to realize just how quickly out of hand things can get and why/how people become hoarders. I keep making these grand plans that "This weekend will be the one!" where I roll up my sleeves and get everything spotless. Then I wake up, look at the cat hair floating in every corner, the dishes piled stinky in the sink and just don't know where to start so I give up after 15 minutes and "take a break" in the form of a two hour nap.

Well that's me in a mini update.

Thanks for stopping by.

What happens when I stop trying to save myself.

I mentioned last week that I'm back in the market for a roommate. So far all the responses I've gotten have been from older men. I'm not cool with that. I've had a couple of male roommates in the past but there was always another female in the house as well. So yeah... lot's of men looking for places to live. Just my luck.

I've recently been putting my writing skills* to good use. I wrote a script that was professionally produced and I've been writing grants as well as content for an online course being put together by a non-profit. Of course I've been doing all of the above for free in exchange for the resume boost. I'm not making any extra cash.

Yesterday I got the "brilliant" idea to see what other ways I can write for money. I've been heard a lot about the 50 Shades of Grey book. I even tried to read the first chapter on Amazon. I'm a bandwagon jumper-on-er, sue me. I wasn't impressed. But I thought, hey, I could do that. I ended up spending the rest of the afternoon writing my first erotic story. It took me quite a while to even get to the beginning of the "good" stuff. Then I had to abandon the new enterprise to go to bible study. I know, I know, what kind of hypocrite does that make me?

It turns out, God was not going to let me take myself there. I was sitting in the church last night feeling quite icky for what I'd been doing, rationalizing my booty off. "I'll only write about married couples!" or "Just because I write it it's the reader's responsibility to police themselves" and thoughts like that.

In the end, I came to the realization that I can do better.  I don't need to pollute my thoughts or enable others to do the same.

STOP THE PRESSES!

I just got an email from someone who needs a place to live for the summer. Looks what happens when you let God solve your problems instead of blindly grasping for any rope that appears.

Wow. Just wow. I'm not saying anything is going to happen with this chick, but it's a start!

*Don't judge my skills by what you see here, this is my happy place and I can post bad writing if I want to.

Roommate Wanted

I've come to the conclusion that it is time to get another roommate. The last one moved out over six months ago in a storm of drama and controversy. I'm not even kidding. I felt like I was living in a reality show. Miscarriages, creepy new boyfriends, cheating, job loss, the list was seemingly endless.

The worst part? We got on so well! Right until the creepy boyfriend practically moved in. I'm not good at conflict. I will do anything to avoid confrontation, it's something I need to "work" on. He had been spending every weekend usually Thursday-Monday in my house. He creeped me out. He was too nice. I know call the police someone is too nice! Trust me it was icky. It didn't help matters that my actual roommate was always trying to pay for things (vet bills, expensive beauty creams, groceries, health club memberships). Again you're probably thinking, free stuff = woohoo! It just didn't sit well with me. I like friendships to be equal. I also don't like feeling like I'm being bribed.

Towards the end of our time together her behavior just got more and more bizarre. To the point I was actually afraid that upon coming home I would find all my stuff gone or worse.

But it is time to try again. My bank account really needs the help. Wish me luck!

Big, BIG weekend plans.

Or not.

I mean, my weekend just happens to be jam-packed, but none of the plans I've made will require me to actually leave the house.

You see, I am  a messy person. I've never been concerned with things like dust bunnies under the bed of dishes piled up in the sink. It goes WAY back. Friends would come over for sleepovers and we'd end up cleaning my room.

I was pretty good for the two years I shared a dorm room but all bets were off after that. Even now, I have three whole bedrooms to stash my stuff but things get piled all over the place until I feel like I'm on the verge of being featured on Hoarders.

So yes, this weekend will be "The Weekend of Cleaning!"

I vow to wash every dirty dish, fold or hang up every article of clean laundry that is currently residing in a pile on the guestroom bed. Not even the garage will be safe from the swirling tornado of cleaning that will be me!

Somewhere amidst all that cleaning I also have to find the time to write a grant proposal (my first client, yay!) and come up with a lesson plan and example for a company I am doing work for. Both are due Monday.

Who needs sleep?

Happy Good Friday everyone! Take a moment to thank God for sending his son to be crucified for our sins.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syExGszydHc&feature=related

Gift or guillotine?

Big, BIG things are a-brew over here and I'm not sure if I can handle it or if I even want to try.

I think my parents want me to buy my house from them, the house I'm currently living in. They'd sell it to me for what they owe on the loan, taking a loss, just to get it out of their hands. It helps that as a first-time home buyer I can get a super low interest rate.

When they bought the house for me four years ago, this was my dream scenario. At the time, my credit history was so bad I wasn't eligible for a loan that would afford me a liveable home in a safe neighborhood so the obvious alternative was letting them do all the heavy lifting for me.  Like most decisions in my life it started out because I was bored and feared getting older with nothing to show for it.

I clearly remember approaching my dad around Christmas 2007 with the idea of capitalizing on the plunging real estate market and buying me a house. Little did I know that my one mention of house hunting would have us looking and making an offer in a few short weeks. Maybe a month? We would only look at bank-owned houses so when we finally found one it took forever to jump through all the hoops and get the keys.

In my head I thought we would be in it together, yes they would be fronting the money but they'd done the same thing for my brother years before and my parents have always been unfailingly fair in that respect. It started out pretty well. I went hog-wild with painting. Deep teal for the living room, bright blue in the kitchen, black and grey in the master bedroom. I am not a girl who is afraid of a little color. Aside from telling me I could absolutely NOT have chickens and nagging me about mowing the lawn, it has been a pretty awesome arrangement. Except I was never an owner, just the renter.

But.

Yes, there's always a "but" isn't there?

Here's the deal: do I want to be tied to this house in Lodi for the foreseeable future? Is the chance to start building equity on such a large scale, essentially for free, too big to pass up? I have a terrible financial track record, no savings to speak of and only just started a retirement plan a few weeks ago (after having the same job for the last 9 years). If something terrible were to happen I'd have no money to fix it.

What do I do?

Seriously.

What?